Forrest Gump and St. Peter
When Forrest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “Welcome, Forrest. We’ve heard a lot about you.” He continued, “Unfortunately, it’s getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in.”
“Okay,” said Forrest. “I hope it’s not too hard. I’ve already been through a test. My momma used to say, ‘Life is like a final exam. It’s hard.’ ”
“Yes, Forrest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are.”
1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’?
2) How many seconds are in a year?
3) What is God’s first name?
“Well, sir,” said Forrest, “The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter ‘T’? Today and Tomorrow.”
St. Peter looked surprised and said, “Well, that wasn’t the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer.”
“The next question,” said Forrest, “How many seconds are in a year? Twelve.”
“Twelve?” said St. Peter, surprised and confused.
“Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …”
St. Peter interrupted him. “I see what you mean. I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too.”
“And the last question,” said Forrest, “What is God’s first name? It’s Andy.”
“Andy?” said St. Peter, in shock. “How did you come up with ‘Andy’?”
“I learned it in church. We used to sing about it.” Forrest broke into song, “Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own.”
St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, “Run, Forrest, Run!”
Bring riches with you
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.” The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!!!”
New Yorkers arrived
One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a New York street gang.
walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, “God,
there are some evil, thieving New Yorkers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?”.
God replied, “Just do what you normally do with that type. Re-direct them down to hell.”
St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling “God, God, they’re gone, they’re gone!”
“Who, the New Yorkers?”.
“No, the Pearly Gates.”
Entering into Heaven
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, “Religion?”
The man says, “Methodist.”
St. Peter looks down his list, and says, “Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. “Religion?”
“Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”
A third man arrives at the gates. “Religion?”
“Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”
The man says, “I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?”
St. Peter tells him, “Well the Jehovah’s Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they’re the only ones here.
- The cooks are French,
- The policemen are English,
- The mechanics are German,
- The lovers are Italian,
- The bankers are Swiss.
- The cooks are English,
- The policemen are German,
- The mechanics are French,
- The lovers are Swiss,
- The bankers are Italian.
Clinton is in Heaven
President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. “Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter.
“It’s me, Bill Clinton”.
“What bad things did you do on earth?”
Clinton thought a bit and answered, “Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. And I lied, but I didn’t commit perjury.”
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And don’t ‘abandon all hope’ upon entering, just don’t hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.”
Try to explain women
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
“Sure,” GOD says, “Go right ahead”.
“OK,” the man says. “Why did you make women so pretty?”
GOD says, “So you would like them.”
“OK,” the guy says. “But how come you made them so beautiful?”
“So you would LOVE them”, GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, “But why did you make them such airheads?”
GOD says, “So they would love you!”